Gayle Luna

You

 

You see life as if it is precious and that everyone in the whole world, even the scumbags deserved to live; the worst criminals deserve to live. You think that you’ll be able to help everyone in the entire world by your personality in the way you listen to other people and the way you are able to make someone laugh when they are having a bad day and the way you are able to give some advice to them when they come to you for advice. You also know that you can’t help everyone with their problems and all you can do is to try. You want to be useful and feel valuable to everyone you meet but the truth is that you’re not, you are just another human being who wants to help others and while helping them, you might just feel valuable and useful, selfish. You probably do want to help people who have problems but you know in back of your mind that it’s up to them to accept what you are counseling to them and that it’s their decision to make for their own. All you can do is to just laugh, make jokes, be a silly weird to them because they probably need that in their lives since they can’t smile on their own. You also feel emptiness for everyone that you come in contact with, emptiness every time you console someone, everyday of your life, but your body starts to shake and tremble every time you console someone because your body knows that you do care for them but you don’t feel like you are caring for them or that you don’t deserve to care for them because you believe that if you can’t help them then you don’t deserve to care for them at all. Then when it starts to get deep, you start to become scared and invaluable at the same time because you feel like the things you are telling are not going to help them or they are going to become worse, just the thought of it starts to make you just want to throw up all your intestines and organs and lay there lifeless. Then when you think of all these things, you start to wonder to yourself if there is something wrong with you and you wonder about that for days, weeks, years until you start to realize that you are just another person in the world, who just wants to be of value to someone even if they are the worst kind of person in this world. You wonder to yourself if that’s too much to ask and then a feeling of guilt comes to you as you start to feel all these emotions that you have been holding onto for so long that you have forgotten what love and warmth felt like. Then you start to think some more on what it means to valued by  someone and you wonder why aren't you valued? You try so hard to make everyone around you laugh and feel good….but in the end you are nothing but a person who is greedy for other people's attention and is just a selfish person who tries to hide your selfishness by trying to help others with their problems but inside you, you want to be the person who is being comforted. You find yourself in one of oldest rooms in the school, the room is where not many people come in, it’s the schools storage unit. The lighting in the storage unit is not very great, and the color of a brown suitcase, the space was not very large and not very small just enough to hold about ten people. You then hear a voice saying,”I just want to end things right here. Nobody cares about me not even my parents.” Rose's voice was breaking up like one of those old radios trying to play music but can’t, her eyes were covered by her hands, she was shaking as she was talking to you about her problems at home,you comfort her by holding her in your arms and listening to her, listening. Inside your head you start to think of how useless you are to everyone around you, everyone….everyone. You want to run away from here, run as fast as you can and where your all by yourself, and just cry. Cry to your heart’s content, then scream, scream all with your might so much that your voice begins to break and will never be able to speak again, but you can’t. You can’t do that, you don’t have the heart and guts to do it, so you have pains in your throat so much that you have a hard time breathing but you can’t do anything about it, you suffer alone in your own self conscious. As you are really listening to her cries and struggles in her life? You feel a knife being stabbed in your throat, you think to yourself that she has more problems than you do so why do you feel so guilty? You start to wonder if this guilty feeling is from caring for her, not caring for her, or not sincerely paying attention to her problems and wanting to run away from all of this. You do not show emotion to the people you comfort but just stay by their side until they are able to stand on their own. So as you comfort her, you are wearing a mask on your face, making her and everyone else around you believe that your a good person who wants to help, comfort, and support others around you, but the truth is that you do these things for people because you are trying to hide from your own problems and fool yourself into believing that you useful to everyone around you. Then you see that Rose is starting to believe it because as she is about to leave she turns around and says,”Your such a good person! Thank you for listening to me,” she left. You start to walk away from the school, it is nighttime. You remembered those words she had said to you before she left, your throat starts to tighten up more than before, you start to have a hard time breathing, you try to find something to put your body weight on, you fell on the ground, you try to calm yourself, breath. You felt disgusted to your stomach as if you were about to throw up all your insides but before you could throw up, you said to yourself,”Breathe.” After you calm yourself down, you got off the ground and started to walk but to where? You knew where home was but you were walking as if you were going nowhere. The truth was simple, you want to be useful and valuable to yourself for once in your life, you want to feel valuable to yourself so you could make other people feel truly valuable. You then fell on the ground, you cried out loud saying,”Why?! Why do I feel this way?! Why?!” As you laid on the ground, you had a sudden thought in your head, that as long as you could be useful to someone else then that would be enough for you, just as long as you were useful to someone. You got off the ground and walked, what you had just said was untrue, it never happened. You wished you had the courage to scream out loud and throw yourself on the floor like a 6 year old. You knew where you were going, you knew what you wanted, so that should be enough, that was enough for you and also you knew that you could not do that because it would show your weakness to everyone around and they would pity you, just the thought of that made you feel sick to your stomach. Deep down, You knew that the pain would still be there and you needed to heal yourself from this wound, because the only person who could fix this problem is you. You need to be open with yourself and learn to love yourself more but you wondered how and how could you do that for yourself? You walked like a regular person just trying to get home. You wanted help but at the same time you didn’t want anyone help because you felt like they were pity you or you didn’t feel like you were being cared for, you knew this was a problem all you knew is that you wanted to get better. You wanted someone to put their time away for you, to just listen to what you had to say and when you near that person, you could just feel their love for you even if they don’t say a word to you, you could just feel their love and nothing else. They could wrap you a warm blanket, serve you your favorite beverage and hug you in their arms and say that you did a good job in a soft tone then would play a relaxing tune.You would feel like a little child about to go to a deep warm nap, all your muscles would relax. You want that to happen but you know that you don’t want someone to just be there to be your protector because you feel like you shouldn't rely on anyone else but yourself. You also know that you are ultimately going to be the one to change how you view yourself and that you are going to be the one to help yourself because you have always been alone when it comes to suffering. You have been empty in expressing yourself to others and to yourself, that you have forgotten how to express yourself and how to feel certain emotions all empty. Emptiness is what you use to describe yourself, now you are realizing that you have buried all your emotions so you could be able to handle situations where people say that they are going to kill themselves and where people collapse right in front of you and lay there dying where people tell you that everything is your fault where you have to be the mature one in the group where you have to be someone else mom because their mother isn’t doing their job and where you have a history of depression in your family history and where you are just trying to survive. You are trying so hard that it’s exhausting but you know that you trying hard for someone else's sake and that some of those people who you comfort are going to be grateful to you and those who don’t accept what you have to say are not your fault no matter what decision they make in the future, all that matters is that you have tried to help. That’s enough enough with all the self loathing you have for yourself just enough. You know that you’ll try to be more open with yourself and learn to love yourself just a little bit not a lot but just a little bit at a time, it’s going to be hard. You know it’s going to be hard but you also know that you can’t run away from this forever so you’ll give it your hardest so you could heal yourself. You are not going to give up on this because you want to get better than how you were before. For now on, you are going to get better, the journey is going to be hard but it’s worth it.

 

You are worth it.

 

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