Caroline Rothnie

This month, GASHER previews a work from our upcoming print issue Dehiscence. Check out the full piece of Caroline Rothnie's "A Few Things About Animals" in the issue out later this month.

from A Few Things About Animals

I know it’s end times, so I’m not scrabbling, just waiting. In a year, I’ll be gone, well into the part of my life where “I never see him.” But while he’s here, or while I am, of course I want to fuck him. But, like I said, not crazy or desperate anymore, just sitting, stoned, half-smile, knowing look but in my head. He still knows my eyes even if they’re not something you can see. Or, if I’m wrong in the moment, he knows the facts of me lately: dirty mind, very willing, no complications, sane, smart, and gone soon. And he’s pissed at Jenny, sends her home, sends me to drive her home, pulls me aside and whispers “come back after, bring the leash.” My dog’s, he means, in the back seat of my mother’s Volvo. When I replay this later, which of course I will, he’ll be my default fantasy for many years, I go back to his door with the leather leash already wrapped around my neck, hand it to him with a subtle brow arch when he opens the door. But really I’ve just got it in my hand, give him big eyes, a smile that’s probably “wry,” not traditionally seductive, but come on, how long have we been doing this, how many years, just take me into the bedroom, wrap the thing around my neck, look down at me and pull, not too fast or hard, I don’t want to pass out before you fuck me, though you don’t care, particularly, and that doesn’t bother me anymore, this will all be over soon, and it’s just that I’d rather have this, your eyes on me, your cock in me, the slowly mounting lack of oxygen, than not.

We’ve been in his little brother’s bed, they share a room, and when we’re done he moves into his own, guilty, doesn't want to touch me. I wait for a while, wishing I had some ambien, then go home.

Caroline Rothnie is a writer living in Lawrence, KS with her fiance and dogs. For work, she writes about things like marketing. Otherwise, she writes mostly about herself and 90s pop culture. Online, you can find her at or tweeting @sadgirlmixtapes. You can find her dogs lying on books on Instagram @dogsonbooks. She is also on LinkedIn.

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